Christmas, to me, is when I have to endure my mother's mood swings. She's 72 years old, Bipolar and the holidays set her off like nothing else. One day, she'll be happy and having a great time shopping. Ten minutes later, she's having a meltdown because something or someone (me) has pissed her off. I've finally lost all patience with her. According to her, I'm a genius, smart-ass and go out of my way to make her feel stupid. And I think she's the meanest, most spiteful bitch I've ever had the displeasure to know.
I took her shopping last night. I bought her a new cell phone because all I've heard forever is how she can't see anything on her old cell phone. The font's too small and she can't read what it says. She can't find where it says menu or speaker, etc. She doesn't know how to use a cell phone other than to punch in the numbers and press the call button. I've tried repeatedly to show her how to use speed dial, how to retrieve voicemail and text messages. It took forever to get through to her that to listen to voicemail messages she simply has to press and hold the "1" key until it dials the number then follow directions to delete them. She's not stupid but she wants everyone to think she is. She also wants everyone to think she's feeble by using what I call the "little girl" voice, repeating everything you tell her and asking constant questions all designed to make people repeat the same things over and over. It's a ploy and I see through it. I happen to know that she's got a better memory than I do. She enjoys yelling at everyone, especially me, that she's not stupid and could learn if someone would "just be patient" and "take the time" to teach her. They tried to show her at the phone store, too. They really didn't have the patience for it. I tried some more but she gets SO defensive; I gave up.
This new phone has larger font and it's super easy to use but now, she's unhappy because she can't "find anything." Well isn't it incredible that for someone who didn't know how to use the phone had worked out how to retrieve text messages? I told her if she didn't like the new phone to take it back. I didn't want her to be unhappy with it. She went off the deep end about how there was nothing wrong with her old phone and she couldn't figure out this new "piece of shit." She didn't design it, didn't know how it worked and just because I was a genius didn't mean she was and that I didn't have to be such a smart-ass about it. What brought this on? She couldn't figure out how to scroll through the ringtone list or even listen to them so she could make a choice. But mainly it was when the light went off while she was trying to pick my daughter's ringtone. She was so nasty about it that I'd prefer she didn't keep the phone because from now on, it will always be a source of irritation to her and as such, she'll be pissed at me every time she uses it. I don't need the extra bullshit in my life.
Christmas should be a wonderful time spent with friends and family. My mother makes any time spent with her such a painful experience. The constant bitching about EVERYTHING is enough to make my ears bleed. She bitches about how hard the trip is, how hard the bed is, how tired she is because she can't sleep on the hard bed. She's sleeping on an expensive futon with an egg crate thing folded in half and 2 blankets both folded in half on top of the mattress. It's the princess and the pea syndrome. Considering all the pain meds and muscle relaxers she takes, it's beyond me how she can complain about the bed. She should be comatose.
I'm sick of walking on egg shells and trying not to upset her. A few weeks ago, she made my blood pressure go through the roof with her incessant phone calls - in a 4 hour period, she averaged a call every 36 minutes - and I was a afraid I was going to have a stroke. I made a decision that day that she was not going to upset me to that point again, ever. So today, I'm sad and pissed off that she'd be so nasty about the phone but at the heart of it, I don't really care. She's only going to hurt herself this time. It's not going to hurt me and I'm not even disappointed anymore that she attempted to ruin my Christmas, again. I quit being surprised by it when I figured out what she was doing. I don't have much money and it's not that important to me either but my mother brings in more than most between her retirement and Social Security. Still, she has to inform everyone that she's "on a fixed income" but does what she can to help me and my kids. None of us ever ask for help because we've all learned long ago that her "help" has so many strings attached. We don't ask for specific gifts or presents at birthdays or holidays either because regardless of what we want, she's always determined to give us what she wants us to have. (For more read http://rantsramblingsandruminations.blogspot.com/2010/06/how-much-gratitude-is-enough.html My mother has spent my entire life doing her best to get people to see her as a martyr who's sacrificed everything for me and my kids. It's the biggest crock of shit ever.
The truth: My mother has such high, unrealistic expectations for Christmas ensuring that she never gets what she wants; so she's always disappointed and takes her misery out on everyone around her.
I need some joy in my life so I really need for her to go home - now. I can only hope.
May you have the Christmas I never will...
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